How Do I Really Feel?

So the Corona Virus pandemic has been in full swing now for 6 months and I have spent a lot of time writing statistics and how things have changed, but I don’t know that I have really taken the opportunity to write down how I have felt through this whole ordeal.

From March until about July I was in one perpetual bad mood. My fuse was short, my attitude bad, and I was really and truly annoyed at life in general. I didn’t like that how I lived my life and the way I interacted with people was dictated by so many rules and restrictions. I thought all the efforts to distance ourselves and put up barricades of cloth or plexiglass were the antithesis of what it means to have human connection. My attitude was so bad that Sam, during his two months at home between mission assignments noticed it and kindly said, “Mom, you kind of have a bad attitude.” He was right. I did. I complained about not being able to try on clothes in stores (We still can’t in most places – it is thought that maybe we pass along the germs by trying on clothing!). I thought it was crazy how one day after the outlet stores opened up again we were shopping and noticed that some of the stores allowed 35 people in at one time and others allowed 5. I hated how every place of business (and every person) had a different idea of what “safe” was. Most of all I hated – and still do hate – how political and divisive this whole pandemic has become. If you don’t think masks are important or effective you are a selfish, ignorant conservative. If you insist on everyone wearing masks, you are a self-righteous, liberty-denying liberal who wants to tell everyone what to do. The name calling and shaming and ridicule that has happened during these last few months has been intolerable. I found this article in June called, “How Mask Shaming Is Becoming a Public Battle”

Now that states are starting to open up their economies and their businesses, the culture war of wearing masks has left the digital realm and spilled over into parking lots and grocery store aisles. Many people are reporting hostile encounters with complete strangers over face coverings. And, it’s happening on both sides of the debate.

People who are wearing masks are being called fearful or told they are sheep for following the CDC’s guidelines. Meanwhile, people who are not wearing masks—because they choose not to, cannot afford one, or have a condition that prevents them from wearing one—are being insulted as well. They are being called everything from stupid and uneducated to conspiracy theorists and murderers.

To further complicate matters, businesses that require masks just like they require a shirt and shoes, are trying to enforce the new standards often without state backing or police support. As a result, their employees are the ones trying to enforce the new rules and are being ridiculed, assaulted, and sometimes even killed over mask-wearing.” (This last thing actually happened! Three people were tried for the murder of a Dollar General employee who would not let a woman enter the store without a mask!)

I love this next quote by Amy Morin, a licensed psychotherapist and author of the New York Times best-selling book, 13 Things Mentally Strong People Don’t Do. She says, “Shaming other people often doesn’t produce the results we want it to. In other words, shaming people through a social media post or shaming them in public is not going to produce change—a change comes from having a respectful dialogue.”

Very rarely do people have respectful dialogues these days.

My attitude is better now. But there are still things that drive me crazy. I hate that so many people criticize my husband for trying to uphold the health and safety mandates put in place by the state . Last week (upon the recommendation of the governor) he mandated that students wear masks in the halls between classes. Utah state had it’s highest new case count on Saturday (1,400). In response to this new mandate, Grant got several complaints from parents from both ends of the spectrum…. he is requiring too much, he isn’t requiring enough… I hate that he has to work 80 hour weeks while trying to figure out ways to keep our students and teachers safe and happy all the while trying to maintain some semblance of normalcy. And the hours he has to spend reassuring parents and explaining decisions… I want my husband back! I want him to have time to exercise, to decompress, to relax and to not think about all the people that are emotional and angry about every choice he makes or action he takes on behalf of their children or their livelihoods!

I still cannot stand all the barriers between me and others. I don’t like the arrow stickers on the ground that tell me which way to walk down the aisle in supermarkets, or the dots on the floor in lines that are there to keep me six feet away from the next person, the plexiglass shields between me and the person checking me out in stores, the masks… oh the masks… And while I know they are probably keeping us safer, I feel that we are paying a really high price for our physical safety. I feel like the disconnect between people is making us meaner. I believe our “social distancing” is causing us to care less, serve less, bond less, reach out less. I see less tolerance for other’s opinions and fewer people trying to have empathy. I miss our family members that we can’t see because they are immune-compromised. I miss our family! My sister, Alexandra just had a baby and I don’t get to go and see her because she lives in New York and they are too compromised for me to travel there and possible bring the virus with me.

I am sad for Lizi and Sam for how their lives are so affected by this. Lizi isn’t getting a normal senior year. No real dances, no games, no large group gatherings. Sam has been stuck in his apartment for most of the last four months in Gilbert, Arizona where he was re-assigned to continue his missionary work. They both have great attitudes but I know Sam longs to be back in Colombia and Lizi just wants to enjoy her last year of high school to the fullest. (It doesn’t help that she injured herself long boarding effectively taking her out of tennis and dance for 12 weeks!)

I miss church and primary and having activities with my primary girls. I miss going to yoga and to the gym. I miss normal book clubs. We have been holding monthly book clubs but we usually only have a couple of people that attend in person and the rest attend via zoom. The discussions are just not the same. We lack intimacy and connection. We formally discuss the book and then we all go home. Gone are the days of discussing the book and then chatting about everything else for hours after that. The good news is, we get to go back to church every Sunday starting in the second week of October. We will attend church for 45 minutes for the purpose of taking the Sacrament and that is all. It won’t be the same as before, of course, but at least it will be something.

Is there anything good that has come out of this? We have LOVED home church. We enjoyed a few months of no responsibilities, no extra curricular activities, lessons or places we had to be. Life was distilled down to the essentials for a few months. I loved having Grant work from home  in March and April. I think we have gotten closer as a family. We love being able to talk to Sam twice a week since he is in Arizona. We are all trying to align our wills with God’s so we can have perspective and faith and that is making a difference in all of our lives and attitudes. Also, we have learned some new skills! Lizzie, Sam and I are all learning the guitar and loving it. We are enjoying the connections with extended family guitar players and the teaching and advice they are giving us. We had a killer garden this year and I’ve been canning, canning, canning (that is after I found jars – it is hard when there is a world-wide shortage of canning materials). We usually have a pretty great garden since it is one of the few things I do really well, but since we have been home so much this garden was probably one of our bests. We have all also learned how to play Pickle Ball! The sport that has taken the nation by storm! Grant and I play with some other couples on Saturday mornings, I play with three ladies on Wednesday nights and we play with our kids, and the Saxey kids any chance we get. Lastly, I am picking up fresh pasta making! My family appreciates that one for sure!

How do I feel about the future? I am hopeful that things will get better. The shortages have been irritating and I fear how things will be this winter. It is still difficult to find cleaning supplies. Most places only take credit cards because of the coin shortage and we had to pay 70% more for the lumber for our deck we are building – luckily we didn’t need a whole lot. I’m hoping the country doesn’t become more divided in November with the presidential election happening. It’s looking like it will be pretty messy. I am hoping that as we go into the long haul of getting through this pandemic – experts are predicting November of 2021 for herd immunity and a vaccinated populace – we will try to be kinder, more optimistic and more empathetic. And mostly I hope that I will turn to the true source of comfort, my Savior, Jesus Christ. When we were attending church regularly and interacting with other “saints” I feel like I was seeing the Savior through others, almost like light reflected. The actions of good people, the example of those who’s faith was strong and immovable uplifted me and buoyed me up. But it wasn’t the most direct source of divine enlightenment and sustenance. Since our interaction with others has been limited,  and “social distancing” is required, I realized how flimsy my own, personal connection has been with Christ and hence my four month bad mood. I love this quote by Dieter Uchdorf, an apostle for the Church of Jesus Christ:

“In the middle of this despair (referring to living in Germany during WWII), my family learned about The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints and the healing message of the restored gospel of Jesus Christ. This message made all the difference; it lifted us above our daily misery. Life was still thorny and the circumstances still horrible, but the gospel brought light, hope, and joy into our lives. The plain and simple truths of the gospel warmed our hearts and enlightened our minds. They helped us look at ourselves and the world around us with different eyes and from an elevated viewpoint.

My dear brothers and sisters, aren’t the restored gospel of Jesus Christ and our membership in His Church great reasons to rejoice?

Wherever you live on this earth and whatever your life’s situation may be, I testify to you that the gospel of Jesus Christ has the divine power to lift you to great heights from what appears at times to be an unbearable burden or weakness. The Lord knows your circumstances and your challenges. He said to Paul and to all of us, “My grace is sufficient for thee.” And like Paul we can answer: “My strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me” (2 Corinthians 12:9).”

All in all I have found the last six months interesting, fatiguing, and very, very long. We have lived a life time in six months and the pre-covid world seems to be a different life altogether. I am hoping, praying that we will (I will) get through the next six months with grace and kindness and most of all faith!